Persistent Distraction

The Weepies: Say I Am You

Carpenters, Schmarpenters.

This is a sweet, simple, extraordinary album from a genius folk-pop singer-songwriter duo.  The two pure, unaffected voices blend into simple but unusual, sometimes almost recklessly parallel harmonies; the lyrics are poetic and never more clever than is needed; the effect is an effortless, infectious, grownup innocence. 

Everyone on my Christmas list is getting this CD.

All Hail The Weepies. 

Talan / Tannen in 2008.

• Sex Appeal: It's not about that.  Goll!


• Outfits: 0  (Honey, we talked about that shawl.)
  


• Bonus Points:  11, for sheer delight.
  


• Demerits:  1.  Still having a bit of trouble with the name.
  


• ASNBMR Score:  10

Muse: Black Holes and Revelations

 

• Sex Appeal: 10.  This, the least Musey of all Muse records, replaces some of the bombastic piano with yet more distortion and is as huge and gorgeous and hormone-inducing as ever.  Though anyone who likes both Queen and Radiohead can't help being turned on by Muse, their sound remains unique, and that saves the SA rating.  But see below...
  


• Outfits:  1.  Honestly, guys, what the hello kitty toaster was the director of that video thinking?  Matt Bellamy is cute as a bug's ear; let's see more than a glimpse of him.  Nice red coat, by the way, which is why you didn't get a 0.
  


• Bonus Points:  3, for the surfy guitar riffs, Princely disco-funky-Goldfrappuccino, and because Dude, 'member that show in November 2003 at the Ahoy?  That was awesome.
  


• Demerits:  2, because I'm still annoyed about the retro-apocalyptic sci-fi cheese of that clip, and because I don't like advertising in art, even if what it's pimping is climate-change awareness.
  


• ASNBMR Score:  6

Bonus with this review:  Recipe for Supermassive Black Hole video

1 episode Land of the Lost (including Sleestaks)
1 episode Twilight Zone (1959)
Edvard Munch's Scream (if unavailable, substitute villain from film of same name)
1 package Mummenschanz
Set from 1 grammar school play

3 audacious skinny boys from Devon
Assorted guitars, piano, synth, drums, etc.

Place first five ingredients in blender.  Whir three seconds (individual chunks should remain).  Pour mixture over remaining ingredients.

The Raconteurs: Broken Boy Soldiers

More Jack White yumminess!  A supergroup side project without Meg and with a bunch of other guys from Detroit who aren't Jack White (and really, how super can that be; clone Jack three times and I'll show you a real All-Star Band), The Raconteurs got together to jam and stayed for an album. 

I keep trying to oust "Steady As She Goes" from my brain.  Unsuccessfully.

 

• Sex Appeal: 11  (How does he do it?  Jack really should not be this hot.)


• Outfits:  10.  They're all about jackets.  Velvet smoking, shiny vintage leather (or is that vinyl?), Western suede, tweed, corduroy, Jack in a crowd-pleasing Argyll jacket for a Glasgow gig.  And hats.  Top hat and white patent-leather shoes on one of the guys who isn't Jack White; beret on Jack.  And plaid.  Like they sneaked into Uncle's attic and played dress-up.  Wonderful.


• Bonus Points:  1, for using a French word for the band name and achieving irony rather than pretense.


• Demerits:  1.  I'm not feelin' the bloody bruised faces on the cover.  Auntie Shell abhors violence and tokens thereof, even in service of an album title.


• ASNBMR Score:  10

Gorillaz: Demon Days

Auntie Shell is not amused, people.  You're a funky bunch of kids, but how do you expect her to review you if you don't even have bodies?  The record puts a groove in the commute, we'll give you that.

• Sex Appeal:  0.  Sorry, fellas, there's a three-dimension minimum.


• Outfits:  I'll grant you 3 for the scruffy virtual style.


• Bonus Points: 5.  The nieces could do a wicked cheer to Feel Good Inc.


• Demerits: 1. Somebody needs to see a cartoon dentist.


• ASNBMR Score: 3.5

 

Foo Fighters: In Your Honor

Dave Grohl with long sweat-drenched hair, short-sleeved tshirt over a long-sleeved one, and a drum kit.  Dave Grohl with a short-cropped do, just one tshirt, and a guitar.  Dave Grohl with medium unruly layers, any facial hair configuration, and sneakers.  So inspiring, one almost wants to find out who the other dudes in the band are, and listen to the CD.

 

• Sex Appeal: 11


• Outfits: 11


• Bonus Points:  See above


• Demerits:  0


• ASNBMR Score:  11

KT Tunstall: Eye to the Telescope

The boots!  The lipstick!  The torn jeans!  This chick is fit (check out her arms in the Black Horse and the Cherry Tree video).  If all-girl threesomes can produce a love child, then Kate's three mommies are Susanna Hoffs and the Indigo girls.  Even if she's Scottish and Chinese.  K T kicks ass, mofo.  Good  scratchy bluesy voice, too (Marlboro lights?), and nice use of musical peripherals in this clip from a one-woman show (she don't need no stinkin' band). 

http://www.rtl.nl/(/actueel/barendenvandorp/)/actueel/barendenvandorp/2005muziek3005.xml

 

• Sex Appeal: 10


• Outfits: 10


• Bonus Points: 0


• Demerits: 0


• ASNBMR Score: 10

Joshua Bell: The Kreisler Album

Yeah, I judge records by the cover, and ol’ Josh makes a comely cover. He’s got that Dorian Gray / Jackson Browne thing going on; he’ll look 18 till he meets his maker.

 

• Sex Appeal: N/A, he’s just too pretty


• Outfits: 5 (standard violinist getup)


• Bonus Points: 3, for squeaky-clean Dreaminess


• ASNBMR Score: 8

David Gray: Life In Slow Motion

Give this man a phone book, record him singing it, and I’ll buy the CD. When David Gray played 013 in Tilburg in 2003, he greeted the crowd with, “Hello, you jolly Tilburgians!” Auntie Shell likes a melancholy singer-songwriter with a silly streak.

 

• Sex Appeal: 7


• Outfits: 4


• Bonus Points: 5, for regular-guy cuddliness


• Demerits: 2, for draggy tempo on Slow Motion, and for not letting drummer Clune go apeshit enough on this record.


• ASNBMR Score: 8

Shakira: Fijacion oral

She's Colombian, her dad's Lebanese, she sings, she dances, she's got a supermodel face and a sex kitten bod, she acted in a soap; "So what," you're yawning.  But Gabriel Garcia Marquez said no one compares to her; how many Nobel laureates have paid homage to Britney? 

Her music's crap, but it's crap she wrote!  (And have you seen that thing she does with her hips?)  I'm holding out for the inner rock chick to break out of the J-Lo mold.  Rumor has it you grew up on Zeppelin and The Cure, Shak.   Bellydance some o' that into your next record.

 

• Sex Appeal: 9


• Outfits:  Pocahontas, Beyoncé and Cher called; they want their lingerie back.  Keep screening; it looks better on you.  10


• Bonus Points: 0


• Demerits: 1. We already have one Alanis Morissette.


• ASNBMR Score: 9

 

The White Stripes: Get Behind Me Satan

Auntie Shell's No-Backtalk Music Reviews.  In Which The Author Rates Records Based On Two Criteria (Plus/Minus Bonus Points And Demerits), And Suffers No Bitching From Stupid Boys.

We at the editorial board want a set of Jack White paper dolls. We heart his two-tone pants and cabaret costumes.  We don’t care what anyone else says about Jack’s raw falsetto; we have Jolene on repeat and a reservation for the Hotel Yorba.

 

• Sex Appeal: 9


• Outfits: 10


• Bonus Points: 1, for all the piano.


• Demerits: 1. We’re still a bit worried about Meg.


• ASNBMR Score: 9.5